The Best of The Best of KIT 1993
From January thru December,1993
The KIT Newsletter, an Activity of the KIT
Information Service, a
Project of The Peregrine Foundation
P.O. Box 460141 / San Francisco, CA 94146-0141 /
telephone: (415) 821-2090 / (415) 282-2369
KIT Staff U.S.: Ramon Sender, Charles Lamar,
Christina
Bernard, Vince Lagano, Dave Ostrom;
U.K.: Joy Johnson MacDonald,
Ben Cavanna, Leonard Pavitt, Joanie Pavitt Taylor.
The KIT Newsletter is an open forum for fact and
opinion.
It encourages the expression of all views, both from
within
and from outside the Bruderhof. The opinions expressed
in the
letters we publish are those of the correspondents and
do not
necessarily reflects those of KIT editors or staff.
This collection skims the Best of KIT 1993
file, which is derived from The 1993 Annual,
to create a
Best of the Best of KIT 1993. We understand
that the sheer
volume of articles and letters available can
overwhelm the casual browser, and so we offer
in this manner a sampling of the most
interesting and informative.
------ Keep In Touch --------
------------KIT Newsletter, January 1993 Vol.
V #1------------
Naomi Baer, 12/15/92: Happy New Year to all! A
wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf. The Bruderhof is
still the Bruderhof even if they dress in Hutterite garb.
My father's grave is not even half settled and the
Bruderhof, in the person of Dave Maendel (of all people)
contacts my mother for MONEY! (Dave's parents and
family and my parents and family share close history).
After taking my father's inheritance, savings and labor
for the years he was in the B'hof, they kicked him out
with 13 children, a pregnant wife, no medical insurance,
no job and of course no money, even for a month's rent.
The Bruderhof has no consideration for BASIC human
needs, that is, no HUMANITY when there are
philosophical differences.
KIT: The current status of the Jake Kleinsasser
Vetter's removal as Elder is as follows: Jake claims that
all the accusations against him are lies, the documents
backing the allegations are fabrications and forgeries,
and he continues to protest his innocence. Jan. 8, he held
a meeting with his "faithful" ministers and they decided
that they were the real Schmiedeleut branch of the
Hutterite church and the majority of the Schmiedeleut
colonies who voted against him were not. Somehow
about $47,000,000 dollars seem to be unaccounted for.
One source theorized that the reason Jake is holding
on so hard to his position is that there may well be a
great deal more in the way of financial mismanagement
and other shennanigans yet to be uncovered. In the
meanwhile, some of the individual Canadian colonies
allegedly have been milked dry because some years
earlier Jake Vetter was able to convince them to sign
papers giving him access to their bank accounts.
Joseph Wipf Vetter, Dec. 21, 1992 [translated
from the German]:
Beloved Brethren: We feel obligated to inform you
what transpired at the meeting of 12/10/92, at the
Starlite Colony in Manitoba. After a lengthy discussion of
the circumstances without reaching a conclusion, many
of the older ministers pleaded and exhorted with Jake
Kleinsasser to give God the honor and respect due him
and admit what he has done, and to acknowledge also
that he can no longer be the Senior Elder (or Head of the
Colonies) because we already have much evidence
against him of his wrongdoing. Jacob Kleinsasser and all
his supporters brought up the request that all who do
not agree with the letter of December 9 & 10, 1992,
should stand to be counted for Jake Kleinsasser as Senior
Elder.
He could not be persuaded from this course of
action, although many tried to dissuade him. In spite of
the fact that many were against this action, this was
voted on and his request was granted. Therefore 78
ministers stood up to be counted to retain Jacob
Kleinsasser as their Senior Elder. 95 remained seated,
their insight was that with the blemish already found
against him, he should no longer be Senior Elder. The
conclusion arrived at is that he is no longer Senior Elder
of the Schmiedleut colonies. In his own words, as he
himself said on November 7, 1992, "That all who agreed
with Joseph Vetter's writings of August 28, 1992, no
longer have a Senior Elder."
Therefore we will need to deal with this shortly
after the New Year. Thus ended the meeting of December
19, 1992
Hannah Goodwin Johnson, 2/3/93: Among KITfolk,
I identify with the mystified child --
repeatedly: "Why was I being punished?" Any society
that purges itself by executing most of its judgments on
the naughtiness of children will come to naught, Parental
responsibilities are always combined with attachments
and affections. To sue for assistance from those I blame
for my confounded affections would be to play into their
hands -- and confound it all the more. I have no interest
in settling for cash restitution from the commune
enterprise. I only seek the truth. Current members
cannot be held for past mistakes as far as I'm concerned.
Blaming is a call for rescuing: is this what some KITfolk
want from the Hutterian Brethren -- to be rescued by
them?
Jake Kleinsasser still
insists he is the Elder of the Hutterrian Church's
Schmiedeleut conference, and has forbidden any of the
opposing group to celebrate the Lord's Supper this
Easter. Joseph Wipf Vetter, leader of the opposition, is
trying to determine how best to handle the Schmiedeleut
split. At a recent meeting called by Wipf, all the
ministers declared their position before going home to
ask their colony members to vote for whom they wanted
to follow. Insofar far as the missing monies are
concerned, it sounds like the Wipf group probably is not
going to press the issue.
Nadine Pleil, 3/10/93: Julius Rubin's
article The Society
Syndrome in the
March KIT has given me food for thought. I lived 40
years in the commune and during those years I went
through great depression. I saw many young people
struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. As a
young person, I too struggled with the same. It has
disturbed me very much that so many young people
experienced such deep depression. I myself do not know
how I managed to snap our of it all. However I did snap
out of it, only for it to reoccur later on what I was
married and had 8 children. However at times, "Nadine
the Rebel" did reappear, only to be squashed again and
again.
I had a thing about being depressed. Feelings of
depression, I was told, were sinful. I was afraid of being
in trouble if I confessed to being depressed. I had to
muddle through these awful feelings of depression on
my own. I was told not to be so self-centered -- that was
sinful. Only now do I realize, with some amount of shock,
how deeply depressed I was. It is a very heavy burden
to have to carry these feelings of depression around with
me. I think our neighbors here in Washington, PA,
helped me out of it all. They talked to me, they
appreciated my input. They accepted me for that I am.
Very soon I felt accepted and was able to contribute to
common ideas, take part in activities, in short to adjust
to a new way of living. A new life opened up for me.
Until that time, I had isolated myself. I felt I had nothing
to contribute. I realized that my feelings had been
cramped up. I had not been able to think for myself, and
I could not have an opinion. Soon I opened up and, much
to my own amazement, I was fitting in. Even though I
was adjusting, I often felt myself withdrawing, thinking
that I was not worthy enough to have an opinion of my
own. I was so used to letting others think for me, to
make decisions for me. However now I was in a situation
where I was confronted with having to make decisions.
It was a good feeling. I realized that for a long time I
had just accepted everything, whether I wanted to or
not.
Now I do not feel depressed. Sometimes I am
thoughtful or feel sad. Out of all this, I have learned to
be compassionate, to understand what others have had
to endure. We all need understanding and compassion. I
will end on that note, and hope that each one of us can in
some way or other recuperate from all the pain. Many
greetings to you all,
Item: Word has come from various reliable
sources that the Schmiedeleut is splitting into two
factions. The schism is having a severe effect on many
Hutterite colonies. Families are moving away, either
'outside' or else to join the 'Oilers,' (the nickname for the
Jake Kleinsasser and Christoph Arnold group because of
the oil well investment fiasco) or with the 'Gibbies'
(because of I. Donald Gibb, the banker who documented
Jake Vetter's business acumen), the Jacob P. Wipf group.
Some husbands and wives have split up over the
decision. Other people are sneaking off the colony at
night....
Norah Allain, 4/27/93: I've been thinking
from time to time, for instance, about the Heini
phenomenon, and clearly you are right and it has a
demonic aspect such as many people saw in Hitler. But
having said that, you are admitting that there are
spiritual powers or beings existing on an invisible plane
which can use a human being in whom to manifest. This
puts the whole of human life into quite a different
context and, to my mind, practically removes, or at least
lifts, the veil which hides the other dimensions of life
from us. So what is the difference between the Christ
Spirit and the demonic? I think it is the use of power. I
often wonder how long the Bruderhofe will continue
under the influence of Heini. What sort of a person is
Christoph? Does he just carry on totally under his
father's influence, I wonder?...
Nadine Moonje Pleil, April 1993: ... Every year
when Easter came around and the Lord's Supper
preparations started, I panicked and started to get knots
in my stomach. I knew that I would have to confess
about my children. Also we would be subjected to
endless office visits to the dreaded Servants of the Word.
How much of this was I able to take? I had to go to the
Lord's Supper, or otherwise I would be excluded.
The office visits took place without fail, not only
before the Lord's Supper but every now and then we
would be called to the office. When the Servants wanted
a person to come to the office, they would page you. So
my poor husband, who worked in the shop, would be
paged. He was told over the PA system to dial 210,
which was the Head Servant's phone. Everyone would
know that Augusto was on his way to the office, and it
was a foregone conclusion that he was summoned to be
admonished about his badly behaved offspring. He had
to leave work, be it the middle of the morning or
afternoon. The Servants called, and Augusto had to go on
the run. I will never forget when I saw him coming
down the hallway all out of breath and with such a
worried expression on his face. It always bothered me
immensely to see my poor husband looking so harassed....
ITEM: The Mennonite Reporter,
4/19/93:
Hutterites Takes Steps To Divide
by Aiden Schlichting Enns
Portage La Prairie, Manitoba -- The Hutterite Church
appears to be heading for a historic split. Since December
each side has taken steps to strengthen its position, and
each considers itself the real Hutterite Church.
A December meeting of all ministers in the
Schmiedeleut Hutterite group (about 130 colonies in
Manitoba, the Dakotas and Minnesota) presented 12
long-standing grievances with Jacob Kleinsasser's
leadership. That meeting at Starlight Colony is now
taking on historic dimensions as a watershed point in the
current conflict. The group that is opposing Kleinsasser's
leadership, often called the Joseph Wipf group, met on
February 8-9 at the Delta Colony in Manitoba to consult
with lawyers and chart a course of action. Leaders asked
each colony to give $5,000 to pay for legal and
professional fees.
On March 8, Wipf, a minister from South Dakota,
circulated a letter in German calling for the election of
ministers in nine colonies, adding that more will follow.
This action undermines Kleinsasser's authority and has
been perceived by some ministers as a step toward
making the split official. The Kleinsasser group met on
March 24 at Crystal Spring Colony near St. Agathe,
Manitoba, where Kleinsasser is a minister. He told his
ministers that they could no longer preach or marry
people at colonies that do not recognize his leadership.
With the approval of ministers at this meeting,
Kleinsasser also decided not to renew the credentials to
marry for those who do not recognize his status as elder.
Every two years the licenses expire, and Kleinsasser as
elder is the only one authorized to renew them....
Carol Beels Beck, 6/21/93: Something snapped
inside me when I
read Joel's account. I always had been deeply ashamed
of how I was at that time, and whenever I was stuck in
that frozen fear and self-torment later on. Joel puts it in
a nutshell (p. 7, April '93):
"There existed an underlying element of fear
that overshadowed all the good aspects of communal
life... The fear was systemic rather than acute...
You learned to live with it because you had no
choice, but it could come back later in life to haunt
you. Systemic fear turns into systemic anger, and
you didn't get over that kind of anger so easily. I
think that most of the children who left the
community were those who had this kind of
disturbing experience."
It sums up most of my root problems in the B'hof,
and since then adjusting "outside." ANGER is and was the
most frightening emotion, especially when I was angry
at a Servant. It seemed to be classified as the worst sin
imaginable.
Pauline Ellison-Davies, 15/7/93) ...I would like to
share an interesting discussion I had with a small group...
The conversation went something like this:
A: "One of the fundamental beliefs in the B'hof is based
on the scripture which says, 'If you are bringing your
gift to the altar and you there remember that you've got
something against your brother, leave your gift there in
front of the altar and go away; first make your peace
with your brother and then when you have, come back,
offer up your gift.' (Matthew 5:23,24)."
B: "Yes, you're right, but the problem is they've
misquoted that scripture, it does not actually say that."...
C: "Well, what does the Bible say then?"
A: "It says: 'If you remember that your brother has
something against you...' not: 'If you have something
against your brother'."
Ramon Sender, 8/16/93: ...Since I hear constantly
from various sources that Bruderhofers tell people that I
said to Christoph that I was 'out to destroy the
Bruderhof,' I feel that I should state here, once and for
all, that RAMON IS NOT OUT TO DESTROY THE
BRUDERHOF!!! ... Anyone with an eye to see and
an ear to hear knows that there are aspects
of the Bruderhof system that
ultimately must change, for the good of all involved, the
members, the children and even the ex-members,
whether the latter see themselves as graduates,
survivors or victims.
I would suggest that instead of
labeling ex-members as 'unfaithful,' you should see us as
your Bruderhof graduates, people who have 'served
their time.' We learned some valuable skills, and now
are strong enough to test ourselves outside the
communities, strong enough to rely on our own feelings
and our own consciences, no longer needing the
Bruderhof support system to know right from wrong. We
peregrines no longer sit captive and hooded in a gilded
cage. We have unfurled our wings in the wider, more
adventurous skies of the outside society. Hey, guys,
we're your successes, not your failures! C'mon out and
join the crowd! It's not as bad -- we're not as bad -- as
you've been told.
Late-Breaking News: According to a
letter that
Christoph Arnold wrote to Jake Kleinsasser on (9/9/93),
30 B'hof members recently were placed in the Great
Exclusion, including (Witness Brother) Chris and Else
Winter, (Servant) Jake Maendel, (Ex-Servants?) David
Maendel and David Mason. 15 were placed in the Small
Exclusion, while others 'will have to go through Church
Discipline.' None of them ever will be allowed to take up
their services again. Since three of these are Christoph's
brothers-in-law, something about this sounds all too
familiar? A haunting refrain from times gone by?
Evi Pleil, 9/22/3: It seemed that whenever Heini
came from the States
with his "body guards," he just dug around for trouble.
He always managed to stir up something, and this time
he decided that we had all become cold and loveless. He
called communal brotherhood meetings, but the chaos
grew bigger. Art Wiser and Doug Moody were called to
Primavera, and lived right next to us with Heini. While
they lived next to us during this crisis, we recall them
having some jolly nights after the meetings. They
laughed and joked until the early morning hours, and
then slept until noon the next day.
We wondered how all this happiness could be
possible with so much need around. We have brought
this up several times since we have been out. The
answer we receive is always something lukewarm like,
"They had to relax from the strenuous talks." Well, it was
really unbelievable that amidst such need and suffering,
these brothers could still have such happy nights
together. How about all those so-called undecided and
lukewarm members who had been sent to Ibate -- how
did they relax?? These poor people were sent on a place
built as a commune, but was not a commune anymore.
The need in Ibate was indescribable, and here these
brothers appeared to be having the time of their lives
night after night!
...At the first communal meeting Merrill Mow
attended during the crisis, members attempted to
politely introduce themselves, and he announced he
wasn't interested in our names, just how the coldness of
heart set in amongst us at Primavera. I especially
remember Art Wiser's piercing eyes in the meetings. It
was like he wanted to look right through you. It was
during one of these meetings that Heini Arnold called
our sister-in-law 'a vampire bat.' Doug Moody did not
know what a vampire was, so Heini explained: an animal
which lives off the blood of horses. In later years, Doug
denied this, but apologized for Heini, taking the blame
himself that he might have said it, saying he couldn't
imagine Heini ever making such a comparison. But we
heard Heini himself saying this --Êbrothers and sisters
being called 'vampires'??
Finally, after sending away most of the servants,
Heini and the American brothers were able to dissolve
the brotherhood in Primavera, and start anew with
seven members. As new members were drawn into the
brotherhood, they were told the secret of giving up
Primavera. Members were never asked, but rather told
about the dissolution of Primavera, and informed not to
speak about it outside the circle of new members. I don't
think the group as a whole would have ever let this
happen, but we were not given the opportunity to decide
as a group. It still shocks us how Heini and his men could
uproot us all in such a short time, and start a crisis that
expelled 600 people. Heini only stayed a very short
while on his visits, and when he came we sensed a
strange atmosphere. I guess we never knew where he
would strike.
Judith Sender, July 2, 1993, to John and Margareta
Rhodes, Woodcrest Bruderhof: It was with a great deal of
pain and sadness that I read your recent letter in which
you did not okay our right to visit our grandchildren,
Dorie and Gareth. My sadness is deepened by the fact
that Ramon and I have in the last several months gone
through the shock of my mother Miriam's sudden death
from cancer, and Ramon's foster mother Julia's sudden
death a month earlier. Both Miriam and Julia were very
family-oriented, and expressed their delight in our
building a connection with the grandchildren.
I have read with great interest the Deer Spring
Bruderhof's ad in The Register-Citizen differentiating
itself from a cult, as well as the article in The Plough
in which you define a cult. I have shared with friends
among them members of the clergy, teachers, writers
and psychologists, [the articles and also the fact] that you
are denying us our God-given right to see the
grandchildren. They found the articles interesting, but
they also find it a puzzle that you deny visitation rights.
When I tell them that we cannot see the grandchildren
any more, the reactions is, "Oh, I didn't know your
grandchildren were in a cult!"
In my heart, I believe you are open in heart and
spirit, and that you hear and accept differences. Please,
in your own self-respect as a group, consider that you,
Ramon and I, as reasonable people, respect the
democracy in which we live, and our legal and ethical
rights and responsibilities as grandparents to visit.
Late-Breaking News: A story coming from several
reliable sources states that the Woodcrest leadership is
unhappy with Jake Kleinsasser. Johann Christoph
Arnold's followers have been finding out things about
Jake K. that they never believed were true. This
November Woodcrest allegedly sent a delegation to
Crystal Spring with some questions for Jake and also
with the suggestion that he place himself in "a state of
punishment." He refused and sent the
Woodcresters back home,
telling them that it was none of Woodcrest's business
and the issues they had brought up only concerned the
Hutterites in his colony.
Linda Lord Jackson, 11/8/93: At last I think I am
ready to make a start and write down some of my
thoughts about my life, and especially my childhood at
the SOB. [At first] I felt I had quite
successfully put the SOB experience behind me, and
buried it deeply. I did not want to think about it, but
things are not that simple. I lay awake and did think
about it...The thoughts would not leave me.... I started
to get KIT, and read about so many others,
and many memories, good as well as bad, came back. I
could see that I needed to think through the past, to
understand. Now that it had been opened up, it was not
going to simply go away again and be forgotten.
Then I attended the Ridgeway meeting last year...
A group of Wheathill girls got together at the
request of one or two, to talk through our experiences as
children there, because they needed to sort things out. I
was reluctantly persuaded that it might be helpful if I
joined in. I was unsure, but went. I was not prepared for
this, but am glad I went. We were able to share our
feelings and experiences. One of the main things that
came out was that many of us had experienced the same
sexual abuse (as far as I remember this abuse consisted
of rubbing, poking and tickling in sexually sensitive
areas) from one man on many occasions over a long
period of time. For me it went on for several years,
whenever the opportunity arose for this person, who
often had care of the children, until I left for Paraguay at
age 11.
The reasons that some of us did not report these
events were various. Firstly, the man was fun to be with,
on the whole. The children were often put in his care,
and we liked him. We had been taught adults were
always right, that they all agreed on everything. (I
accept that many adults say this was not an intentional
teaching, but nevertheless, this is what many of the SOB
children, who had no other childhood background,
strongly believed to be the adults' attitude, in particular
where it came to the children's behaviour and
punishment!) Then, when Mom and Dad went to supper
and meetings, the last thing they said was "Be good for
the watch, do as he tells you!"
He was great, he was fun, he let us stay up late. I
felt guilty because I didn't like the way he kissed me
'Good Night.' Because he was standing in for my parents,
I felt I should be pleased that: he did this. Then there
was the 'tickling' (in sexually sensitive areas, although I
did not realise this at the time) which sometimes got
quite rough. I hated it, but again I had seen lots of adults
tickle babies and young children to make them laugh. I
just thought it was something adults had to do, and that
they thought children liked. It was my problem that I
didn't like it.
I didn't tell anyone. What could I have said? There
was very little time for children to just be with and talk
to parents so that things could be aired casually without
making a big thing. If you said the wrong thing, or even
asked questions about the wrong thing, you or they got
into trouble for having wrong thoughts, or so it seemed,
you quickly learned not to discuss anything much,
however you felt about it. I had always thought it was
only me, and that it was my evil thoughts that were at
fault. After all, adults were good, I was bad.
I think the worst part was the realisation of how it
had been handled by the adults. Some of the girls had
reported incidents. Those of us who had not reported
were then interrogated, and told to admit what we had
done. We did not know. It was only at Ridgeway that we
pieced it all together from what we knew between us,
and what some parents had eventually been able to tell
their children, and realised that these exclusions and
interrogations were related to the abuse. Excluded from
family and school and friends. (I found out since that my
parents were told that it would be good for me to live
with someone else for a while, and did not know that I
was also excluded from school at these times. I assumed
they knew, so I never talked about it.) Eventually we
would admit that we had "done it" (still not knowing
what) and were then left in exclusion for a further
period to repent for our telling lies. This approach was
consistent for several of us. We then had to stand up in
the full school assembly, and say, "I am sorry for what I
have done, and I will never do it again." Impossible,
because we did not know what [we had done].
I personally was excluded at least three times up to
the age of 11 for periods of between 3 and 6 weeks, I
think. The exclusion usually consisted of time spent
living and working with Ivy. Some of the others found
Ivy a difficult person to relate to, but I must say that I
usually found her fairly easy to get on with, but she
couldn't stand you moving at night. She would shout
'keep still!' and wake you up. You then lay there rigid,
hardly daring to breathe, and it took ages getting to
sleep again. She taught me to use the sewing machine,
even the electric one, which most children were not
allowed to touch. At bedtime she read
Pilgrim's Progress. I found the story rather
confusing, and only recently
have realised it has a kind of religious teaching hidden
away...
On one occasion I was locked in a dark room, I must
have been 5 or 6. I didn't mind the dark, but I hated not
being able to get out....I could hear an owl hooting. I
liked that, and I didn't feel so alone. Eventually Mum
came and took me home. Recently I found out that it was
all because I had supposedly "shown my knickers" to
three boys. I don't know what sort of a big deal that was.
Anyway, we (boys and girls) used to have to line up
together in underpants and knickers for medical checks,
etc., anyway. On one such inspection they discovered
that many of us had flat feet, so we had to do daily
exercises picking up marbles with our toes and things
like that. It was fun, especially as you often missed some
of the midday rest, when you had to pretend to be
asleep in order to get a sweet put under your pillow. One
year -- 1947 -- the snow was so bad that the
kindergarten/pre-school was snowed up. We had to stay
there all night until they dug a passageway through to
get us out. ...
Once we had to sit in silence for a whole morning
copying a steam engine while a 'cleaning the evil from
the children's community' exercise went on. We had to
go into the teacher's room one by one and confess any
wrongs. Those who confessed were promised that would
be forgiven, others would be punished. They gave the
impression that they knew ALL anyway. Most of us had
been involved in some form of childish misdemeanours
whilst safely out of sight in the hay field next to the
school playground. As we had to sit in silence copying
the steam engine, it was not possible to find out what
other children had or had not admitted, so I went and
told all. In the event no on else did -- but I only just
found that out. (Sorry folks, but I hope you understand
the pressures!). Anyway, we were all punished, and had
to help prepare vegetables for a few days, with a Dutch
lady who had just joined....
Nadine Moonje Pleil, 5/22/93: I often have thought
about the class distinctions on the Bruderhof. It has
bothered me a great deal. I think I was about ten years
old when it dawned on me that the Servants of the
Word's children were privileged in some way or another.
I remember speaking about my conclusions to another
child who went and told the Servants' children about it.
This was all brought to the attention of the Servants and
I, the non-bruderhof child, was taken to task for
spreading untruths about the Servants and their
children. I was told to apologize both to the children and
the Servants. I thought about it and decided I would
have to apologize even though I felt I had a point there
and had only spoken the truth.
From that time on, I simply watched how the
Servants received more and more privileges and their
children as well. I resigned myself to the fact that I
could not do anything about it. It would just have to run
its course. As time went on, I began to realize that not
only did they receive privileges, but that the Servants
had power over us and their children likewise had
power over us so-called 'commoners.'
However the time in Primavera was not as bad as it
became later in the U.S. The sixteen years that we lived
in the commune, from 1964-1980, were absolute agony.
Not only did the Servants and their families receive
certain privileges, they also started to have more and
more power over our family and to make us feel very
fearful. Not only did they threaten our ten-year-old son
with being sent away if he did not shape up, but they
started threatening us parents with having to send
children away -- and then later, that we all would be
sent away.
We lived for 16 years in constant fear of being sent
away. At any time the ax could fall and we would be out
on the street. We were afraid of what would happen to
us with such a large family. How would we manage?
Where would we live? Would we be able to get jobs in
the computerized world? So many things were
frightening, because we only knew commune life. We
had been brain-washed and did not know any better.
That was why we never dared leave on our own
accord, because fear of the unknown was the bottom
line. We did not want our children to suffer, and yet we
felt it would be better to leave and have done with the
commune. All these things kept going around in our
minds, and often kept us awake at night. We knew no
way out, so therefore we complied, tried our best to fit
in and make our children fit in. It was very, very
difficult because we were being watched by the Servants
and their helpers. As I mentioned before, we even had
to move to another house so that two families, a Servant
and a Witness Brother family, could keep an eye on us,
be policemen for our family. We never felt at peace, we
always were on tenterhooks. It was as if we constantly
had to tread on eggs -- or else!
Once we suggested that we go and live on the edge
of the commune if our children were so bad. But we
were told firmly, "No, you cannot decide that. That is a
brotherhood decision." I thought, 'The heck with
brotherhood decisions,' but of course we had to bow
down to what the Servants said....
Once a week I was told to report to the Servants'
office. Once there, I was tackled as to what I had done. I
would try to say something, but was tongue-lashed by
one of the Servants or their wives and told to be more
specific. All this, mind you, was to help me and 'done out
of love.' Every time I was called to the office I would
start throwing up. I had said everything I could think of
and still they were not satisfied. So I started to make up
things. By doing so I thought I would have some peace
and they would leave me alone. It was all to no avail.
They wanted more, more and more information until I
almost went crazy. That is when I felt the breakdown
coming on. The final freeing came when they decided
that our whole family was to be kicked out. However
even then, after we were away from the commune,
whenever the phone rang, I would start trembling and
break out in a cold sweat because I thought the
commune were calling to harass me.
It got so bad that Augusto said I should just let him
answer the phone. That worked for a while. It took me
quite some time to settle down and realize that I was
free and did not need to account to the commune for any
of my actions. It really takes time to unload the
commune. Actually it takes years! However the time
came and we all feel so much better. We do not take any
notice of the fact that the commune tells us that we are
living in sin because we do not live in the commune. I
told them that we are in good company if we do not live
in the commune, because the majority of the population
of this earth does not live in community of goods.
We cannot let our souls be trampled on and
murdered. We cannot condone abuse against children. We gave our
heart, soul, marriage, children, our
personalities, everything to them, and what did we
receive in return? Nothing. Nothing except grief. That is
no way to live, and no way to bring up children.
Now at last I can be myself, my children can be
themselves, my husband can be himself, and we are
better off this way. We were just not cut out for
community living. It did not work for us and never will.
So many others have gone through all this that I have
written about, and have, I believe, found a meaning in
life. We have been able to succeed. I know that the
commune did not want us to succeed. They wanted us to
come crawling back. They thought we would not make it.
They thought we would let our children go down the
drain. Oh now, we had more stamina than that! We
pulled together as a family. We vowed that we would
make it, and -- we have made it!
Good luck and congratulations to all of you who have
indeed 'made it!'
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